How Does Parentification turn into Hyper-independence?
You were responsible, independent growing up: the “good” kid. But for some reason, that external version of you? It doesn’t match the internal version of you. Inside, you’re scared, anxious, terrified of the next bad thing happening. You desperately want to be connected to others, to get and receive help, but you never find yourself able to do it. Instead, the wrong people come your way, or they don’t “get you,” or that shaming voice in your head just ruins everything good.
What’s going on here?
How to Ask for Help if You Had to Figure it Out on Your Own
You grew up fast. Maybe you had to figure things out because if you brought up your feelings, your needs, asked for help, you were shamed, told you were “too much.” That felt lonely. Over time, that gave you the strength of independence. You love that part of you, but you also notice it can make you guarded, hesitant to reach out for support. At the same time, you are so caring. You desperately want to let others in, but you are not sure how. How do you learn to be vulnerable and to ask for the help you want and need?
I Worry Everyone is Mad at Me and Tips to Calm the Fear
It happens all the time. The moment another person’s face shifts, they become silent, they turn away, you can’t help it. You get that unpleasant feeling. You’re so nervous. What if? What if they are angry? What if you did something wrong? What if you finally became too much for them? And if you don’t address it right here, right now? Well that’s just not an option. You have got to make sure it’s all okay or your discomfort skyrockets.
So when that feeling, that pressure, that people pleasing anxiety comes on, what do you do? How can you tend to yourself?
What Makes People-Pleasing a Sign of Parentification?
Parentification is a role reversal in which the child accelerates into adulthood and becomes the parent, assuming adult responsibilities and parenting their parents/caretakers.
Maybe you think, “So what?”
On the one hand, you may say, well everyone has to contribute in the household and your parents/caregivers were struggling.
On the other hand, your childhood was…sacrificed. During your youngest years of play, delight, when all you asked for was someone to focus unconditionally on you…you spent that time turning everything around, focusing on everyone else. Operating out of stress. Out of obligation.
So what are some signals that you were parentified?
How Does Internal Family Systems Therapy Help You Heal?
IFS (Internal Family Systems)-based trauma therapy offers an approach that goes a little deeper than “just talking.” But what does that actually mean? It’s kind of like looking at you as a story with several tangled characters: your characters have had to relate to each other in a certain, intricate way to make the incredible story you are today. But how does it unfold?
Every part of you is welcome, exactly as you are.
In the real world, you’re successful, perfect, taking care of everyone else, on top of the world. In secret, you’re having meltdowns. You want to scream and cry. You feel intolerable. You don’t want anyone else to see your anger and sadness.