I Worry Everyone is Mad at Me and Tips to Calm the Fear

4 Steps to Soothe the fear of Conflict and Calm People Pleasing Anxiety from a Trauma Therapist in Colchester, CT

It happens all the time. The moment another person’s face shifts, they become silent, they turn away, you can’t help it. You get that unpleasant feeling. You’re so nervous. What if? What if they are angry? What if you did something wrong? What if you finally became too much for them? And if you don’t address it right here, right now? Well that’s just not an option. You have got to make sure it’s all okay or your discomfort skyrockets.

So when you fear everyone is mad at you and that pressure, that people pleasing anxiety comes on, what do you do? How can you tend to yourself?

Step 1 for what to do when you worry people are mad at you: Before you ask out loud, ask yourself what you need.

The urge to soothe the fear of conflict or of being too much can be accompanied by a need to have relief and “keep the peace.” Many times, this urge is coming from a younger place, a wound that a younger part of us is continuing to carry. As we move through the world, our brains and bodies are picking up on so much information (both conscious and unconscious). As you take in that information from others, feeling that fear of their anger, you may be re-experiencing a response that a younger part of you needed to be aware of, to react to, in order to maintain a calm environment. Is that still true today? What do the younger and the adult parts of you both need to feel okay in this moment?

Step 2: You’re worried people are mad at you? Take a step back and observe.

Chances are, you are always paying very close attention to everyone else’s body language and facial expressions. You are observant and your highly observant skills can be great. They can also be exhausting.

In that pause and after assessing what you need, observe your internal experience. What sensations are coursing through your body? Is your body tense, tight, energetic? Is there a feeling of urgency? What emotions are you experiencing? Do you feel nervous, scared, suspicious, confused, distrustful?

Allow these emotions and sensations to guide you. What does your body need to feel safe?

Have you ever asked yourself this question before when feeling this way?

Start with your body and your emotions.

Does your body have a great deal of energy? Movement may feel really good.

Do you feel stuck or frozen? Slow down and take a few slow, deep breaths. Explore gentle ways of connecting to sensory experiences, such as cradling a soothing item (a textured, cherished token or a blanket) or smelling a fragrant item (a candle or essential oils). This may allow you to connect to what your body needs in this moment.

Step 3 to soothing your worries: Move forward with your needs, not your worst fears.

Being motivated by people pleasing anxiety, by seeking relief, gets you stuck in a repetitive cycle. If you find yourself asking, “are you mad at me?” only to find that you are not sure if you can trust the response, so you just repeat the question, you might find yourself stuck. You are acting with your fear, fear that is rooted in an old wound.

What would it look like for you to speak to that wounded part of you, telling it, “I know you feel frightened right now, and that is okay. We are going to take a deep breath and talk it out.” And then speaking out loud, “I am finding myself worried that you are angry at me. I would like to talk about how I am feeling and what you are feeling. Let’s sit and have a real chat. How does that sound?”

What do you notice is different about the two approaches?

Step 4 to conquering your fears: If you need support, ask for it. Don’t talk around it.

Feeling worried about conflict is totally okay. If you find yourself afraid to share your feelings while also experiencing pressure to resolve potential and anticipated anger in another person, well, that’s a LOT of pressure on you. It also does a disservice to the support you may need. It is okay to verbalize your needs. However, if your past and history have made you believe that your needs are irrelevant and that you are expected to exist for others, it may be time to seek larger levels of support (and that is okay too). Through this work, you get to exist with others, not only for them.

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Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW | Trauma Therapist & Owner of Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, LLC

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Learn More About Trauma Therapist, Alice Zic

Alice Zic is a licensed clinical social worker and trauma therapist offering online therapy in Connecticut and Virginia. She specializes in working with women and non-binary folx who struggle with people pleasing and who have histories of childhood trauma. She supports clients who grew up feeling not good enough heal their childhood wounds and grow into the confident person they want to be. Alice is an IFS therapist and utilizes this trauma-specific tool to support clients in healing.

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