Therapist in Colchester, CT on Reparenting as a Parent

The challenges and possibilities of reparenting your inner child while parenting your own children at the same time.

You always envisioned a better life. That’s what parents are supposed to do…right? You wanted to offer something better to your own children than what you had. But when the time came, suddenly, all of these surprisingly intense feelings burst forth. You were grieving, sad, and angry.

It’s been hard to be as patient with them as you wanted. To be the romanticized image of the parent you had hoped for. You don’t even want to admit it. It’s too shameful. Underneath your adult, perfectionistic mask is an inner child whose needs were not met. You were supposed to have it figured out.

Parenting is hard work—beautiful—and hard work. And now you are awakening to reparenting yourself as well.

What are the challenges you are noticing and how can you navigate both your internal child and the little ones before you?

The expectations are so high.

Your inner critic used to only be responsible for you. But now, it’s shaming you for your parenting. It never feels like you are doing enough. You have to go above and beyond. You have to absorb the caretaking duties for everyone else, including your own kids. And you can’t make a fuss.

But you minimize your needs. Your inner child is minimized. And your own kids are looking to you, and they’re seeing you be tough on yourself.

You’ve been trying to avoid mistakes and keep things perfect.

Many parents who were parentified themselves, who struggle with their own pasts of childhood trauma, experience pressure to “get it right.” There is an idea that you cannot make any mistakes because, if you do, you’re going to wind up hurting them just like you got hurt. Or your kids will leave you behind. Just like you got left behind.

But whose needs are being met there? When you avoid the mistakes, does that create new learning opportunities, or are you working super hard to protect your own inner child, because a younger part of you was scared and unprotected?

Moments like this show you a great deal of what your inner child needs in reparenting, and it’s one of the many challenges, because it’s dynamic and requires attention in many places at once. But as you take space outside of these moments to reflect and observe, you begin to notice what a younger part of you needed and continues to need now.

But chasing perfectionism will keep you stuck. Channeling play with let you move through.

Being calm all the time? That’s overrated. But being connected? Now, there’s an idea.

Here’s the thing: you probably didn’t get to play much as a kid yourself. Maybe you had adult-level responsibilities, whether in terms of practicality (chores, jobs, caring for others) or in terms of emotional caretaking. But the end result may mean it’s hard to feel playful, to connect to yourself…and you may also get a little sad, a little resentful when your own kids just want to…have fun?

Chasing perfectionism can sometimes look like enforcing “perfect” behavior in the home—following all the rules, no messes, no loud sounds, no running, which are all facets of how children play and learn. As a parent, if you are noticing that you are focusing on perfect behavior in your children, ask yourself: is there a younger part of you that was expected to be “on” all the time? Were there consequences if you were not on your “best behavior” when you were growing up?

Reparenting here can look like tapping back into what your younger self wanted to do, but was not able to do. Did you want to pursue art? Play an instrument? Play a sport? Be silly? How can that be channeled into a hobby and into relationship with your kids? When they want to run around and be goofy, can you join them? Begin to practice telling yourself that you are no longer that scared little one, that it is okay to play. And it is okay to play with them.

Growing up with them does not mean you failed. It may unlock the most connected version of you.

Noticing what your inner child needed builds the toolbox to notice what you need now when overwhelming moments happen with your kids.

Sometimes that kind of looks like re-discovery of your younger self. You may discover or re-discover joy and the joy of play together with your kids. There may be a part of you that may experience sadness and grief for “not having figured it out” before. All of those feelings are allowed to be there. When you lean into these new possibilities through what your younger self needed, grant yourself the permission to experience it, and experience it together with your kids, you will unlock increased connection to yourself and in your relationship with your own children.

Start Therapy for Reparenting at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy in 4 Easy Steps:

1. Click the button below to schedule your free 15-minute consultation phone call

2. Fill out the pre-consult form

3. Consult with Alice Zic, your new caring therapist

4. Begin your journey towards reparenting your inner child and being an even more connected person and parent

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