What is Parentification Trauma? How it Happens & How to Heal
Parentification trauma is the impact of continued, ongoing relational and external stressors by not having access to developmentally appropriate experiences in childhood (safety, nurture, protection, free play, guidance) and feeling pressure and necessity to assume an adult role during childhood. When adults in a family have high external stress and unmet internal needs, they are less able to look to their children as their children. This means that the skills and space to offer guidance, protection, and nurture are not as present.
When you needed something, what happened? Chances are, someone was too busy or got annoyed with you for asking. If you did not show up as the parent for the adults around you, chaos ensued. Now, the repeated exhaustion, terror/panic over making a mistake, people pleasing, hyper-independence, and difficulty with feeling taken care of is telling you something. The impact of parentification trauma is hitting you, mind and body.
How Do You Reparent Yourself as a Mom? Strategies to Begin
Your gut reaction is to focus on everything and everyone, especially when it comes to your kids. If you learned anything from your own childhood, it was that the moment the attention shifted onto you, you were “bad.” This message, coupled with the high expectations of Moms, leaves you in a whirlwind of traps.
But when you only focus on others, you lose the opportunity for you to care about you—to give yourself the replenishment, care and energy you need to be present for others in a way that feels safe. What would it be like to give and receive help and to love authentically rather than out of obligation?
How to Ask for Help if You Had to Figure it Out on Your Own
You grew up fast. Maybe you had to figure things out because if you brought up your feelings, your needs, asked for help, you were shamed, told you were “too much.” That felt lonely. Over time, that gave you the strength of independence. You love that part of you, but you also notice it can make you guarded, hesitant to reach out for support. At the same time, you are so caring. You desperately want to let others in, but you are not sure how. How do you learn to be vulnerable and to ask for the help you want and need?
Therapist in Colchester, CT on Reparenting as a Parent
You always envisioned a better life. That’s what parents are supposed to do…right? You wanted to offer something better to your own children than what you had. But when the time came, suddenly, all of these surprisingly intense feelings burst forth. You were grieving, sad, and angry.
It’s been hard to be as patient with them as you wanted. To be the romanticized image of the parent you had hoped for. You don’t even want to admit it. It’s too shameful. Underneath your adult, perfectionistic mask is an inner child whose needs were not met. You were supposed to have it figured out.
Parenting is hard work—beautiful—and hard work. And now you are awakening to reparenting yourself as well.
What are the challenges you are noticing and how can you navigate both your internal child and the little ones before you?