What is Parentification Trauma? How it Happens & How to Heal

Understanding the Roots of Parentification from a Trauma Therapist in Colchester, CT and Falls Church, VA

What Does Parentification Mean?

Parentification occurs when a child jumps into an adult or parent role long before it is developmentally appropriate to do so. This can include nurturing other family members (acting as a parent or caregiver), financially providing for others, completing adult-level chores or tasks, or emotionally caring for other adults (acting as a pseudo-spouse or feeling the pressure to meet an adult’s emotional needs). Learn more about parentification here. Parentification trauma is the impact of continued, ongoing relational and external stressors by not having access to developmentally appropriate experiences in childhood (safety, nurture, protection, free play, guidance) and feeling pressure and necessity to assume an adult role during childhood.

How Does Parentification Trauma Happen?

The reasons are multifaceted. Parentification itself can unfold because of family stress (financial, historical/societal oppression, immigration), historical and ancestral trauma (a cycle of parentification, stress, and trauma), and unmet needs or lack of emotional maturity in the adults/parent figures in the family. There may also be an impact of how children get socialized based on their assumed or expected gender roles: girls in the family may be expected to be socialized as “nurturers,” while boys may be socialized to take care of practical support. These expectations can be set early on and in family systems where parentification happens, pushback or change feels impossible.

How Does Parentification Develop Within a Family?

When adults in a family are emotionally immature and have high external stress and unmet internal needs, they are less able to look to their children as their children. This means that the skills and space to offer guidance, protection, and nurture are not as present. Instead, adults in these situations begin to see their children as equals, turning to their children to meet their needs and creating and perpetuating the cycle of parentification trauma. As a result, children take on the roles of protector, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent, “best friend,” babysitter, cook, and/or housekeeper.

What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Parentification in Childhood?

Sounding familiar? If you grew up parentified, think for a moment. When you needed something, what happened? Chances are, someone was too busy or got annoyed with you for asking in the first place. If you did not show up as the parent for the adults around you, focus on them and calm them down, chaos ensued. So, you learned to figure it out yourself. This may have led to hyper-independence, or a state of extreme self-reliance out of fear of criticism or shame. Learn more about the connection between hyper-independence and parentification here.

What Are the Symptoms of Parentification in Adulthood?

Over and over again, you had to rely on yourself. Now, the repeated exhaustion, terror/panic over making a mistake, people pleasing, hyper-independence, and difficulty with feeling taken care of is telling you something. The impact of parentification trauma is hitting you, mind and body. You are used to being in a relationship that is transactional: you are always providing something in order to receive breadcrumbs of care in return. You are not used to feeling soothed, vulnerable, and nurtured. In fact, the act of being nurtured may be terrifying. Those who grew up parentified often feel guarded—it’s been scary to ask for help because you were probably not given that help or you were criticized for it. It’s okay to gently begin to get support now—not just for the adult you, but for the younger you who needed it too.

Start Online Therapy in CT For Parentification Trauma in 4 Steps:

Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW | Trauma Therapist & Owner of Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, LLC

1. Click the button below to schedule your free 15-minute consultation phone call

2. Complete the pre-consult form

3. Consult with Alice Zic, parentification trauma therapist

4. Begin your therapeutic journey toward healing parentification trauma

Parentification Trauma Therapy in Colchester, CT

Online Therapy in Connecticut

My virtual practice is located in Colchester, CT and I see clients throughout Connecticut via online therapy. Ready to heal from parentification trauma? Learn more and get started below:

Parentification Trauma Therapy in Falls Church, VA

Online Therapy in Virginia

I offer online therapy in Virginia to heal from the impacts of parentification trauma. Ready to begin healing? Get started and learn more about therapy for parentification trauma in Virginia right here:

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