What is Parentification Trauma? How it Happens & How to Heal
Parentification trauma is the impact of continued, ongoing relational and external stressors by not having access to developmentally appropriate experiences in childhood (safety, nurture, protection, free play, guidance) and feeling pressure and necessity to assume an adult role during childhood. When adults in a family have high external stress and unmet internal needs, they are less able to look to their children as their children. This means that the skills and space to offer guidance, protection, and nurture are not as present.
When you needed something, what happened? Chances are, someone was too busy or got annoyed with you for asking. If you did not show up as the parent for the adults around you, chaos ensued. Now, the repeated exhaustion, terror/panic over making a mistake, people pleasing, hyper-independence, and difficulty with feeling taken care of is telling you something. The impact of parentification trauma is hitting you, mind and body.
How Does Parentification turn into Hyper-independence?
You were responsible, independent growing up: the “good” kid. But for some reason, that external version of you? It doesn’t match the internal version of you. Inside, you’re scared, anxious, terrified of the next bad thing happening. You desperately want to be connected to others, to get and receive help, but you never find yourself able to do it. Instead, the wrong people come your way, or they don’t “get you,” or that shaming voice in your head just ruins everything good.
What’s going on here?