How Does Parentification turn into Hyper-independence?
As Explained by a Trauma Therapist in Colchester, CT
You were responsible, independent growing up: the “good” kid. But for some reason, that external version of you? It doesn’t match the internal version of you. Inside, you’re scared, anxious, terrified of the next bad thing happening. You desperately want to be connected to others, to get and receive help, but you never find yourself able to do it. Instead, the wrong people come your way, or they don’t “get you,” or that shaming voice in your head just ruins everything good.
What’s going on here?
First, Some Definitions. What is Parentification?
Parentification is a role reversal. In this reversal, the child accelerates into adulthood and assumes the parent role: engaging in adult responsibilities and parenting their parents, caretakers and/or other family members. Learn more about parentification here.
What is Hyper-independence?
Those who are hyper-independent solely or predominantly rely on themselves and avoid asking for help, being vulnerable, and reaching out for support. Why? This hesitancy is often due to fear, stress, and perceived shame and criticism. This hyper-independent response often arises out of survival necessity and is based on past experiences—which we’ll dig into below.
Since You Grew up Parentified, You Grew up Fast. And you Had to Stay “On”
Asking for help? PLEASE. That could bring shame to your family. It could be a signal that something was wrong, wreck your perfect “good kid” image and suddenly put the focus on you. And if the focus was on you—that’s when the criticism and shame started. You weren’t supposed to look “weak” according to the adults in your world. If you slipped up, you were sloppy, disrespectful, or embarrassing. Instead, you had to “keep it together.”
Growing up Parentified Means You Focused on Everyone Else
You had to take care of family, parents and/or siblings. You may have done emotional caretaking, making sure the adults around you were calm and soothed. Or, or you may have engaged in a lot of logistical and adult-level responsibilities like watching younger siblings while you were very young, cooking, and performing complex adult-level tasks on behalf of adults. Others’ praised your independence, and you saw its strength until…
In Adulthood, the Hyper-independence Set in, Making it Hard to Ask for Help
You had to maintain that tough, strong, put-together exterior. You’re always fine! You don’t need any help! (Because asking for help and being vulnerable always brought you consequences)
So in adulthood, hyper-independence meant you kept going, kept pushing yourself. Because you got so used to taking care of others and doing everything on your own, you maintained that role. It’s the way you learned to be in relationship with others. What other way could there be?
In Adulthood, Hyper-independence Caused You Burnout
But lingering underneath that cool exterior was another part of you: resentment. Why isn’t anyone helping me? Why don’t they get it? Why can’t I get it right?
Suddenly, existing as the parentified child and the hyper-independent adult no longer feels good. It’s making you anxious. When you anticipate a mistake, the fear of failure and not doing things perfectly according to what others want causes you terror. And the critical voice in your head is getting too loud for you to withstand. The role you needed as a child is no longer working for your adult world. It’s time to gently heal and find a new way of moving through the world as your connected, adult self.
Heal Parentification Trauma & Hyper-independence Online in Colchester, Connecticut & VA
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Online Therapy in Colchester, CT Heals Parentification and Hyper-independence
You needed to protect yourself for many years and now you are ready to begin healing, exploring vulnerability, and unraveling your wounds. Why not begin in online therapy? My virtual practice is located in Colchester, CT and I offer online therapy throughout Connecticut. Learn more and get started below!
Online Therapy in Falls Church, Virginia for Parentification Trauma & Hyper-independence
The connection between your parentified past self and your hyper-independent, present self is clearer and clearer. With that clarity also comes your readiness to heal. Get started with online therapy in Virginia. I offer online therapy throughout Virginia. All you need is your private space, wifi, and your device. Simple! Learn more below: