Growing Up With Gaslighting Affects You. Here’s How to Spot It

A Trauma Therapist’s 4 Signs of Gaslighting to Help You Identify if You Experienced Gaslighting in Childhood and its Impact on You.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a pattern of invalidation in which your reality is questioned. You are told or it is implied that the things you see or that what happens in front of you is not really happening or real. Over time, gaslighting creates intense feelings of doubt, fear, insecurity, and shame.

When gaslighting occurs repeatedly in childhood, it disrupts your ability to connect to yourself and develop self-trust. Why does this matter? When your self-trust is distorted, your understanding of what trust looks like in important relationships become confusing and can lead to repetition of these harmful patterns in later relationships. It can also make it difficult to feel confident and secure.

Let’s dig into a few signs of what pervasive gaslighting looks like—both signs within childhood and signals you notice in adulthood.

Sign #1 of Gaslighting: “Open” Secrets

Every family has rules, but some rules are obvious while remaining unspoken. These are called “covert.” They are secrets…but no one ever talks about them.

If you grew up in a family that made it a point to look loving, put together, impressionable in public but was very different in private, your family was operating under an “open secret.” Perhaps you only received attention if you participated in unspoken family “rules.” If you said no, pushed back against uncomfortable family dynamics, or did what you wanted versus what emotionally immature adults wanted, you were ignored. Love was conditional. This conditional behavior that remains unnamed, but that leads to impacts on your emotional well-being and sense of reality is a form of gaslighting.

Sign #2 of Gaslighting: You’re Always the “Bad” Guy

In childhood, you may have been directly or indirectly told that you lied, made something up, or that something did not really happen as you claimed it had.

When this type of gaslighting happens over and over again, doubt begins to set in. Your perception, particularly at a developmentally vulnerable time, was manipulated. You may have told yourself “it doesn’t really matter what I think.” There may have been a disconnection between your mind and body. You may have felt numb.

Sign #3 of Gaslighting: The Defenses are Ready

Because gaslighting in childhood is so insidious, signals in adulthood can feel more reliable. As an adult, you may notice yourself over-explaining or feeling defensive about something you say, an answer or perspective you provide. You have learned to be protective and to expect that you will be challenged, ridiculed, told you are “crazy.” As a result, you have developed protective tools in anticipation of these accusations. Except that now, it’s not working so well anymore. These reactions and interactions cause you significant fear every time you have to defend yourself.

Sign #4 of Gaslighting: Panic at the Validation

As an adult, when someone does validate you, you panic or get foggy. Your body is so used to being invalidated that when someone does the unexpected, is safe and validates you, your body is terrified. Your body is telling you: something bad will happen so we have to run. Let’s get ready for the danger because this good thing? It can’t last.

The Impact of Gaslighting is a Childhood Wound. And it Can Be Healed.

Gaslighting from adults and family members in childhood prevents us from tapping into our own internal wisdom and instincts. It creates internal doubt, difficulty with making decisions and eventually evolves into “self-gaslighting.” In adulthood, you may find yourself repeating these same messages of doubt, shame, and criticism internally. Observing these messages and recognizing their roots is the first step in stopping the patterns and in re-connecting with yourself. Over time, you can instead validate that what you notice and feel is true and real, reinforcing your self-trust and your confidence.

Get Started in Online Therapy at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy:

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4. Begin your therapeutic healing journey towards self-trust and confidence

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Heal Childhood Trauma and Put Gaslighting in the Past

Online therapy for childhood trauma allows you to heal wounds from gaslighting in and emerge as a more connected and confident adult. My virtual practice is located in Colchester, Connecticut and I offer online therapy throughout Connecticut. All you need is a private space and wifi to get started! Learn more about online therapy for childhood trauma in Connecticut below:

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Looking to resolve childhood wounds, especially those connected to gaslighting? My virtual practice offers online therapy for childhood trauma throughout Virginia. No need to worry about traffic or commuting time to get to a therapist who can support you. All you need is wifi and a private space. Easy! Learn more about online therapy for childhood trauma in Virginia below:

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