How Does Parentification turn into Hyper-independence?
You were responsible, independent growing up: the “good” kid. But for some reason, that external version of you? It doesn’t match the internal version of you. Inside, you’re scared, anxious, terrified of the next bad thing happening. You desperately want to be connected to others, to get and receive help, but you never find yourself able to do it. Instead, the wrong people come your way, or they don’t “get you,” or that shaming voice in your head just ruins everything good.
What’s going on here?
How People Pleasing Shows up with Internalized Oppression
The story in your head goes, “I’m the problem. And since I’m the problem, I better make sure everyone else is always at ease. Because of me. The way I move. The things I do. The way my very being threatens others.”
This story has been embedded in you. Not because you truly own it, but because the world around you has made you feel unwelcome in your body and skin. So it’s just easier. Just make them comfortable, right?
But where does that leave you?
What Makes People-Pleasing a Sign of Parentification?
Parentification is a role reversal in which the child accelerates into adulthood and becomes the parent, assuming adult responsibilities and parenting their parents/caretakers.
Maybe you think, “So what?”
On the one hand, you may say, well everyone has to contribute in the household and your parents/caregivers were struggling.
On the other hand, your childhood was…sacrificed. During your youngest years of play, delight, when all you asked for was someone to focus unconditionally on you…you spent that time turning everything around, focusing on everyone else. Operating out of stress. Out of obligation.
So what are some signals that you were parentified?
In Between Cultures and Lonely
For adult daughters of immigrants, part of what gives rise to feeling “too much” or “not enough” comes from the messages received from growing up in a culture outside of our heritage cultures.
Being in a new culture may have been born out of both hope and sacrifice. Your families were focused on survival, safety, finding a better life, and through these journeys, community, cultural, and family togetherness may have been fragmented.
From Bad Daughter to Cycle Breaker
You’re the bad daughter. That’s what they tell you anyway—your family, your community. You can hear it in their judgment and see it on their disappointed faces. You know that’s what they discuss in their whispers and behind your back. If you are not showing up exactly the way they want you to and exactly as the version they expect, you are cast aside. The black sheep. The outsider.
Sound familiar?