From Bad Daughter to Cycle Breaker
You’re the bad daughter. That’s what they tell you anyway—your family, your community. You can hear it in their judgment and see it on their disappointed faces. You know that’s what they discuss in their whispers and behind your back. If you are not showing up exactly the way they want you to and exactly as the version they expect, you are cast aside. The black sheep. The outsider.
Sound familiar?
But another part of you says, “wait a second…there’s something else off about this.” You see and recognize that before you was a complicated story, filled with pain, sacrifice, survival, and harm, and at the end of that thread…there’s you. You’re ready to break the cycle that has been passed generation to generation. You’re ready to soak up healing and release wounds in the present and the past, but where do you start? What do you need to look out for?
When it comes to trauma therapy, here’s what’s important:
The expectations are clear.
When you find a trauma therapist who is a great fit for you, you’re not anxious about what’s happening next because you know what to expect. This starts in the logistical steps. You know when your appointments are and how long they last, you know what the fees and cancellation policies are, and you know how your therapist discusses opening and closing sessions with you to support you in feeling ready to open the big box of stuff that you like to stuff away.
You also know their style and if it works for you. Your trauma-informed counselor is checking in with you. And when mistakes happen or misunderstandings happen (on either side), you and your trauma-informed counselor can unfold the pathway toward repairing and resolving the misunderstanding together.
Meeting you in the present.
In the present, you are bringing: the shame you feel, the critical thoughts that bounce around your mind and hold you back, your guarded responses, the discomfort you have with boundaries, and the ease with which you forgive everyone else except yourself.
Trauma therapy welcomes those parts of you and rather than disregarding them or intellectualizing them away, it unconditionally offers those reactions and responses the space they need to feel seen. Through this process, you are able to make sense of your present-day responses and connect those responses to other thoughts, body sensations, and emotional experiences. Slowly, you deepen your understanding of the intertwined roots of these sensory and emotional processes.
Meeting you in the past.
As your roots are welcomed and uncovered, your past and present merge in the safety of those 50-60 minute sessions.
Your logical brain (also called your pre-frontal cortex and the part of your brain that sits within your forehead) does all the judgment calls, decision-making, and critical thinking. Why am I mentioning this? Because this part of your brain is the last one to fully develop, and it does not stop developing until your late 20s (Dion, 2018; Hand Model of the Brain).
This means that, during the early parts of your life, during some pretty vulnerable developmental stages, your body and brain exist in feelings and rhythms and sensations. Your roots lie in the least adult part of you, the part that is most difficult to speak about. It is also this sensory data, this implicit information that we are most attuned to when we felt threatened or unsafe.
Trauma therapy taps into this. When we stay in the most logical part of you, we are unable to unlock the deepest, most hurt wounds within you.
Tools like art, play therapy (yes for teens and adults too!), somatic (or body-based) work, internal family systems (IFS), sand tray, EMDR, all allow access to your inner world. That is because these tools create a pathway to the sensations, rhythms, and emotions that the most adult part of you often blocks. With these tools, your past and present become safely reconnected and you have the opportunity to step into a fuller version of yourself.
Seeing your defenses.
You may be guarded, protective of the pain that you and loved ones have gone through. You may prefer to focus on others because it’s comfortable. As long as the focus is on someone else, no one is paying attention to you. (Absolutely brilliant!) This response also keeps you in a bind, twisted in knots. It’s hard to figure out where your hurt is allowed if there’s only room for others’ pain. Trauma-informed counseling that is compassionate will also see your defenses, and gently bring them into your consciousness so that you can begin to tackle them in small, safe steps.
Healing through trauma therapy is not just about the present. It’s also about the legacy before you.
Trauma therapy will hold space for the systems and intergenerational cycles that have kept generations before you stuck. Poverty, homelessness, war, systemic oppression, immigration, deportation, family separation, and the patriarchy (to name a few) all have a role to play in harm both in the past and in the present. It is not only the interpersonal, but the systemic issues as well. When we acknowledge the impact of systemic harm within trauma-informed counseling, we open doors for more compassion. We are able to see the complex world that generations before us have had the navigate, as well as the concurrent impacts on us. We can grieve their hurt and see new possibilities ahead.
Interested in childhood trauma therapy or parentification trauma therapy in Colchester, Connecticut or Virginia?
Citations:
Dion, L (2018). Aggression in Play Therapy. W.W Norton & Company: NY
Siegel, D (2012). Dr. Daniel Siegel Presenting a Hand Model of the Brain. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw