My Family Is Perfectly Normal, so Why Am I SO Anxious to See Them for the Holidays?
And What You Can Do About It.
The holidays are coming up. You’re supposed to be excited about the warmth and good times, but you are feeling dread.
It’s a lonely feeling. Family is expecting to see you and those expectations are packed with additional pressure. And if you’re the only one feeling this way, or if you have been told it is culturally unacceptable to not spend time with family, you are left feeling confused and bewildered.
On the other hand, have you ever given yourself the space to consider what is at the root of your dread? Does it spark up and feel hard to contain at times? What makes it important to suppress and override your dread and anxiety?
Each time you disregard your emotions and instead tell yourself a story of, “everything is fine, everything is fine,” you are telling yourself that your feelings don’t matter.
When did you learn to stop trusting your own instincts and instead believe someone else’s version of a story, a story that says something is wrong…with me?
What does normal mean?
Zoom out for a moment. What does normal mean to you? There is no single right answer. At the same time, does the idea of “normal” match up with reality? When you envision time with your family:
Do they say what they mean and mean what they say?
Are there secrets that people sense but don’t speak about?
When someone has a big feeling, is it respected or disrespected?
When you’re together, do you feel smaller and more diminished or livelier and more empowered?
Is there emotional and physical safety?
Do you feel and sense how your family members’ care for one another and do they act on the values they demonstrate?
If you find that there is a mismatch between the idealized version of normal and what really happens, overriding your needs is no longer for you. It’s time to nourish yourself and make a plan that takes care of you and allows you to enjoy the parts of the holidays that you choose to enjoy.
If the holidays are more about survival than cherishing and enjoying, make a plan.
Emotional intensity around seeing family for the holidays makes planning for your emotional well-being a necessity. Having a plan does not make you selfish, ungrateful, or unappreciative, but rather allows you to notice and care for your needs while participating in family-oriented activities and celebrations that are important to you.
Give yourself permission to feel, even if you are not yet ready to act.
Before joining your family, schedule time to think about how interactions typically play out. What brings up the most discomfort, anxiety, dread, happiness, silliness, or anger in you? Are there patterns? What do those emotions feel like in your body? What sensations do those emotions bring up? Write those down so that you are aware of them going into family gatherings.
Make it a practice and routine to regularly notice and observe all of these sensations and emotions while spending time with your family. If it feels challenging to do so while interacting with family members, take time outside of those moments (such as in the morning or before bedtime), to brainstorm or write down what comes up for you during the day.
Give yourself permission to act in small steps.
When you feel overwhelmed, give yourself permission to validate the feeling and take care of what you need. What would it be like for you to act rather than to ignore your feelings and maintain discomfort?
Brainstorm some possibilities, including telling yourself (internally), “I notice I am feeling (nervous, uncomfortable, frustrated, etc).” Ask yourself, “what do I need in this moment to feel safe?” Can you then act on what you need by doing such things as:
Stepping away for a moment to give yourself a pause?
Letting someone know you are uncomfortable and you need to switch topics of conversation or activities?
Act from the inside out. Not the outside in.
When the people you care about most, the people you most crave to see you and validate you are the same ones who also make you feel confused, uncomfortable, angry, or nervous, your brain and body can go into a threat response. This threat might cause you to lash out, zone out, freeze, or do anything to nurture, take care of, and please those family members to keep them calm. When your reactions are based on the external environment alone, when you have lost touch with what is going on internally, you feel lost. Acting from the inside out can shift this narrative. By practicing observing, noticing, and naming your emotions and sensations, you can breathe life into connecting back to yourself. With this foundation, you can respond, not react, to family members with renewed skills and abilities.
Find the small moments.
Are there small moments of joy that you look forward to, despite the stress that takes center stage? This might include: making time to catch up with a particular family member, preparing a special meal, sharing in a humorous memory, or doing a specific joint activity together? While there are tough moments, there may be lovely moments as well—both can be true at the same time. In brainstorming and planning, I invite you to search for all possibilities.
Remember, you have more choice now. The holidays don’t have to feel helpless, or a series of moments in which you pretend you’re “fine.”