What Makes People-Pleasing a Sign of Parentification?

A Trauma Therapist in CT & VA Explores The Connection Between People-Pleasing and Parentification and Steps to Heal

What is Parentification?

Parentification is a role reversal in which the child accelerates into adulthood and becomes the parent, assuming adult responsibilities and parenting their parents/caretakers.

Maybe you think, “So what?”

On the one hand, you may say, well everyone has to contribute in the household and your parents/caregivers were struggling.

On the other hand, your childhood was…sacrificed. During your youngest years of play, delight, when all you asked for was someone to focus unconditionally on you…you spent that time turning everything around, focusing on everyone else. Operating out of stress. Out of obligation.

So what are some signals that you were parentified?

What Are the Signs of Parentification?

1. You were responsible for emotionally soothing adults in the household

2. You had to complete adult chores in an age inappropriate way. This does not look like doing some casual dishes after school, but more like doing all the cooking, cleaning, and caretaking for the family starting at a young age

3. You took on adult jobs at a young age in order to ensure survival and safety for your family and household

4. You had to take care of and protect younger and/or older family members at a young age

5. You became the business manager—maybe you did the taxes, the grocery shopping, the banking, the health care navigation. Maybe you were the health care provider sometimes.

All the while, there may have been a felt sense of impending punishment or consequence, that if you did not do these things you would get in deep trouble or your family’s survival would be threatened.

Here is the thing about parentification: you loved your family and they may have had the world set up against them. At the same time, while you had all these wonderful, beautiful qualities, rather than turning towards you, you kept giving and getting crumbs in return. And perhaps some part of you kept seeking and hoping for justice—someone or something to look out for you and your family’s needs, to speak up and out for what was going on, and this never happened. This younger part of you may feel a lot of loss and grief.

A Symptom of Parentification: You focus on everyone else.

Parentification sets you up to be externally focused. What does that mean? It likely means that during childhood, you were always looking out for the next problem, the next danger, the next crisis in your parents/caregivers and other family members. Because you were always looking outward, you had to focus on how to calm down the problem, solve the crisis. If you are always looking outward, when do you notice what you need? What you feel?

Who is there to reflect back to you how important you are?

Why does this matter?

During early childhood, our brains develop from the bottom to the top. What does this mean? Our brain can be divided into three main regions: the bottom-most part (at the base of the head/neck) is responsible for basic life functions and body rhythms. It cares most about safety. The middle region deals in memory and emotion. It cares most about being loved and understood. The front-most part (in your forehead) deals with decision-making and critical thinking. It cares most about what you have learned. In early childhood those first two regions have developed, so your body and mind exist as sensations and emotions. The logical you isn’t fully formed yet. It kind of makes sense, right? Think about toddlers you have observed—toddlers are not really beings who can sit down and have an analytical conversation, right?

When we are young and we solely focus on others, we lose the ability to develop a mind-body connection that is important not only in childhood, but that sets us up well into the rest of our lives. It sets the foundation for connecting us to our wants, needs, to understanding when we are happy, stressed, and how we can trust ourselves, feel safe, and trust others in relationship: in friendships, work, and in romantic partnerships.

Another Symptom of Parentification: You have to make sure they are happy, appeased.

So what happens instead? The external focus drives and wires you to calm and soothe someone else: your caregiver, an authority figure, out of obligation and fear of consequences. You watch others intently throughout your life in spaces when you are with others. You watch their facial expressions, behavior; you think over and over again about what their statements and behavior could possibly mean about you. You think about how you can explain, pre-correct, and then correct again and again any possibility of a misunderstanding. That way, they are always happy. You are never in the wrong. And if you are never in the wrong, then nothing bad will happen. Disaster won’t fall upon you. Your livelihood won’t be threatened. You won’t be punished.

The Connection Between Parentification and People-Pleasing is Formed.

People-pleasing is ultimately a survival response. It is born out of a long-standing need to be externally focused on others, on your environment, and to appease others in order to preserve your safety. Your people-pleasing behavior is seeking to protect you. You may be noticing now that this protection is also causing you high levels of anxiety—you are so focused on others, that it may be disrupting your sleep, it may be distracting you from being present in your relationships, your thoughts may feel all over the place. Perhaps the younger you is asking for the space and justice you so desperately needed back then. And maybe it’s finally time to let the real you be seen and valued.

Get Started in Online Therapy at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy in 4 Easy Steps:

Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW | Trauma Therapist & Owner of Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, LLC

1. Click the button below to schedule your free 15-minute consultation phone call

2. Fill out the pre-consult form

3. Consult with Alice Zic, your new caring therapist

4. Begin your journey towards healing from parentification trauma and people-pleasing

Online Therapy in Colchester, Connecticut

Online Therapy for Parentified People-Pleasers

You’re ready to heal and connect with how your past impacts your present. It’s already tough to find a therapist who is a good fit for your unique needs. Why make it more complicated? My virtual practice is located in Colchester, CT and I offer online therapy in Connecticut, throughout Connecticut: no finagling commute times, traffic, or unpredictable weather. All you need is your private space, your device, and wifi. Learn more about getting started with online therapy in Connecticut below:

Online Therapy in Falls Church, Virginia

Online Therapy for People-Pleasing Misfits

You’re ready to heal from parentification and people-pleasing and need a therapist who gets it. Finding a good fit is tough enough already. It’s even more daunting when you add in navigating all the logistics of traffic or access to a physical location. Why make it harder on yourself? I offer online therapy in Virginia, throughout Virginia: no commute, no hassle. All you need is your private space, wifi, and your device. Learn more about getting started with online therapy in Virginia below:

Other Therapy Services Offered at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, LLC