Strategies to Help When Your Teen is Shutting Down
Tips for Supporting Your Teen Move through their (and your) Toughest Moments, from a Teen Counselor
Something has shifted. Your successful, curious teen is hiding and shrinking. They feel less confident, less capable. And when you try to approach them about it? You get nothing.
So what do you do?
Remember your strengths as a parent.
Moments like this tend to test the confidence in your parenting. Suddenly, there is pressure to fix what is going on with your child because you feel like you are losing control. And if you lose control, there is a whole list of scary things that jump into your mind about what could happen next.
However, reminding yourself of your natural gifts and strengths as a parent are your greatest power here. Why? Because no parent is perfect and every parent has natural gifts and abilities to connect with their child. So let go of that perfect, magic solution, and trust and lean into who you already are.
The science of shutting down and why it’s important.
When someone is shutting down, especially a teenager, they feel stuck. Many times, this means that the brain and body are entering a stress response; and with shutting down, the person feels frozen. Externally, there can be frustration: “Why won’t my teen just talk to me and tell me what’s wrong with them? Then we can fix it and move on!”
But internally, they are trapped. It kind of feels like someone is wandering around in a maze, but does not know how to make it to the exit. When someone feels overwhelmed and stressed, the ability to think and process logically is lost. Our brains need to devote more energy to navigating the stress in those moments (it’s a survival instinct).
So, here’s where you as the parent get to step in.
It boils down to connection, not conversation.
If your teen is feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or frozen, then they are struggling to connect enough with themselves and understand what they need to then tell you what they need.
Rather than focusing on fixing, reframe the goal to connecting. Connect with them so that they can also connect with themselves.
Slow down and start with you.
That pressure to fix..how does it make you feel when you talk to your teen? Nervous? Scared? Annoyed? When it does not go well are you feeling defeated all over again? When they shut down, does it make you want to just leave it alone because it’s too uncomfortable?
It’s totally normal to feel this way. It’s not fun to sit with someone who is shut down, much less your teen. But want to know a secret? They pick up on all of those feelings. And it makes them shut down more.
Before going into a conversation about your teen’s emotions and mood, take a few deep breaths. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 2 seconds, breathe out for 6 seconds. Notice the sensations in your body. Stretch and relax your muscles.
Name the feeling.
Because stress responses make it difficult to think through a logical conversation, starting a conversation with your teen with “what’s wrong?” or “tell me what’s going on?” may feel inaccessible.
Cueing your teen with emotionally-focused words may soothe them and open the door to greater communication. Instead try:
I noticed you are shutting down and disconnected. I wonder what you need?
You seem sad (anxious) lately. I feel concerned about you.
I noticed it seems harder for you to be yourself. Show me what you need from me.
As you’re talking, remind yourself to slow down and breathe. This helps ease both you and your teen. It may be helpful to imagine having the voice of a storyteller, gently and slowly speaking these words as they come out. Slowing down helps ease your mind and body and your teen’s, also.
Do a soothing activity—together.
If active talking about what’s going on in the moment doesn’t happen, that’s okay. Stick with slow breathing and stay with your teen while they are struggling.
In these moments, it may be more useful to engage in comforting touch and/or a soothing activity together.
What are some soothing activities you can do together?
Comforting/soothing touch can include: Giving a hug, rubbing their back, putting some lotion on their hands
Playing music together
Taking a drive
Playing catch/kicking a ball together
Painting each other’s nails
Drawing together, including drawing emojis (to show what you’re feeling in the moment!)
All of these activities ground the senses, which is an important part of bringing connection back when feeling shut down or frozen.
Be bold. And be there.
It’s not always easy. And sometimes it feels intimidating or scary to approach your teen who isn’t giving you much feedback, but they need you and your authentic self. Continue to be there. Focus on slowing yourself down. You don’t solve their feelings right then and there? That’s okay. By slowing down and being present with your teen, you will be connecting with them and modeling for them how they can be with themselves and manage overwhelming feelings. That will ultimately be how you work through and navigate the shutting down.