But She’s Your Mom! Unpacking 5 Signs of Mother Wounds
Diving into the complex signs and symptoms of mother wounds with a Trauma Therapist in Colchester, CT and Falls Church, VA
It sends chills up your spine—when someone doesn’t get it and keeps urging you to get in touch with your mom. Your relationship with her is…complicated. One moment you feel like you “should” be best friends with her and confide everything in her. But the next minute? You feel betrayed, guilty, and horrible. Sometimes being around her does not feel good at all. You just don’t get it! Could it be that there is more to your relationship with her than you have explored before?
Let’s dive into the complexities and signs of mother wounding.
What is the definition of a Mother Wound?
A mother wound stems from repeated and recurring breaks (without repair) in a relationship between a mother and her child. This occurs when the relationship with the mother figure does not offer nurture, guidance, and protection. In addition, there is likely elements of emotional abuse and/or neglect including gaslighting (Learn more here), high criticism, a lack of physical and/or emotional boundaries, and the feeling that the child is emotionally and/or physically responsible for the mother’s well-being. In short, mom is not a “safe haven,” but rather a source of fear or anxiety.
What are the 5 signs of mother wounds?
Sign #1 of a Mother Wound: You feel pressured to share personal information.
Telling mom news has to be tempered. She has a hard time being unconditionally excited for you when you experience good news, so over time you have learned to hold yourself back. Nevertheless, she will say certain things that eat away at you and eventually get you to share your news. Phrases like, “if I had a good daughter, she would tell me,” or “what did I do to deserve this treatment?” or “how could you be so cruel to cut me out of your life like this?” become hard to ignore. On the other hand, she may ignore you for withholding information until you apologize and open up. This can feel like like an ongoing punishment and like a violation because you’re never really allowed to keep anything for yourself.
Sign #2 of a Mother Wound: You agonize over seeing and communicating with her.
Her behavior is unpredictable. You walk on eggshells around her, modifying your behavior to contain yourself…but also to contain her. You never know what will change her mood and how her mood will then make her react towards you. When she is in a great mood that is awesome. You enjoy her so much! The problem is that at any moment, she could shift. She becomes a scary person. And that scary behavior? It all gets directed at you. You’re tired and afraid of putting up with it and every time you anticipate going through this roller coaster again, your body dreads it. You feel the anxiety everywhere.
Sign #3 of a Mother Wound: Your secrets? Forget it. She’ll tell anyone your business.
What the hell? You go through this feeling of betrayal with your mom over and over again. You tell her something, finally, after she convinced you that she is the person to tell and then a few days later, your other parent, your grandparent(s), cousins, family friends, come up to you about your business. Maybe it’s not even family. Maybe it’s a neighbor or a teacher, or someone you don’t feel especially close to. Every time this happens, you feel shocked and angry. But you’re not supposed to feel angry. When you bring it up to your mom, she acts like it never happened, or tells you that you’re being “dramatic” or “too sensitive” or she laughs it off. But you do deserve to feel angry. She betrayed your trust and didn’t acknowledge and apologize for it.
Sign #4 of a Mother Wound: With her, you’re always wrong and she never is.
Apologies were never heard growing up. Mom never acknowledged a mistake. In fact, if she did ever make a mistake, she usually made it someone else’s fault. And that someone was you. As an adult, you find yourself apologizing to everyone over and over again, not really sure how people make their way out of disagreements. Mom made sure every problem was fully your responsibility. It was a lot then. It feels like a lot now.
Sign #5 of a Mother Wound: You can’t rely on her.
Mom may be consistent in some ways, perhaps in offering logistical support. But in emotional support? When you have no idea what her mood is going to be, when she is unpredictable, you can’t rely on her to come through for you. Sometimes, you mention to her something that is important to you and she forgets about it. Then, she makes it your fault. Sometimes, a great thing happens in your life and she relentlessly criticizes you for it. So, you question every good thing that comes your way after that. Sometimes, she needs you to take care of all these things for her. But when you need her, she doesn’t show up. You feel continually disappointed.
Start Healing the Mother Wound With Online Trauma Therapy in Connecticut:
Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW | Trauma/Mother Wound Therapist & Owner of Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, LLC
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Online Therapy in Colchester, CT
Healing Mother Wounds in Therapy
Looking for a therapist who truly gets your history with your mom? My virtual practice is located in Colchester, CT and I offer online therapy throughout Connecticut. All you need is a private space, wifi, and a device for us to meet! Learn more about getting started with online therapy in Connecticut below:
Online Therapy in Falls Church, Virginia
Reparenting the Mother Wound
You’re ready to heal your mother wound, but it is so hard to find a therapist who is the right fit. My virtual practice offers online therapy throughout Virginia. Skip the traffic and get to a therapist who gets you. All you need is a private space, wifi, and your device for us to meet! Learn more about getting started with online therapy in Virginia below:
About Alice Zic, Trauma Therapist & Mother Wounding Therapist
Alice Zic is a licensed trauma therapist who works with adult children of immigrants, women, and non-binary folx who have histories of childhood trauma, specifically who those who have challenging and emotionally charged relationships with their mothers. Alice focuses on working with those who grew up parentified and in their adult lives, struggle with perfectionism, people-pleasing, a non-stop inner critic, and the constant fear of being “found out” as a fraud. Alice incorporates a relational approach rooted in Internal Family Systems. Through this approach, all parts of you are welcome, even the parts that are often labeled “bad,” “scary,” or “shameful.”
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