A Trauma Therapist’s 5 Tips for Reparenting Yourself
What is Reparenting?
Reparenting is an important part of healing in trauma therapy and recovery. During childhood, if you felt powerless and your needs were unmet and under-valued, reparenting offers you the opportunity to take back your power. In reparenting, you as the capable, choice-making adult get to use your capacities to witness and honor the needs and safety that the younger and past versions of you did not have access to. You are able to create that very safety, nurture, and wisdom now. You get to become your own internal parent and compass. So what are some steps you can take to reparent yourself?
Read more for 5 tips!
Tip #1: Make a Mess, Be Loud, Take Up Space
Chances are, you were supposed to be small and contained during childhood. Maybe being loud and messy and speaking up for yourself made everyone else “too uncomfortable,” so you learned to shrink yourself down and be the version everyone else was okay with. What if you allowed yourself, really gave yourself permission, to do all those fun, silly things that you wanted to do? Laugh as LOUD as you want to, run around and make noise, blast your music, be messy with your things or your hobbies—what would that be like for your inner child?
Tip #2: Practice Soothing Yourself
If you imagine a younger you, did they experience or receive soothing and comfort? As an adult now, do you keep pushing yourself until you get burnt out? One way to reparent is to find ways to introduce soothing and self-soothing. This can include placing breaks into your schedule for things like: taking a deep breath, stretching your body, unclenching your jaw. Simply the act of noticing you are going above the boundaries of what is comfortable for you is an act of self-love and self-preservation.
Tip #3: Let Go of Productivity
Staying productive is not just the result of living in a productive society, it’s also a survival skill and one that only serves you for so long. Rather than jumping from task to task and chore to chore, break up your tasks with genuine activities that bring you delight. To turn to inspiration for joy and delight, reflect on what would have excited you in childhood. Did you want to play outside more? Maybe consider some outside time. Did you want to play an instrument? Maybe listen to music or try learning an instrument now. Did you love art but never got to explore it? Try it now and see what happens!
Tip #4: Lean into Forgiveness Over Perfection
Forgiveness is the ultimate gift for a wounded inner child. Internal shame and criticism show up a lot when you make mistakes and when you “did not know any better.” This internal punitive dialogue stems from how a parent or caregiver spoke to us in childhood—over time, we internalize it and it becomes a part of us. Learning to forgive yourself becomes a gift because it releases shame and criticism. It allows you to view mistakes as learning opportunities rather than expectations you have to anticipate with impossibly high standards. It also allows you to forgive past versions of you for what you may not have known and lean into what you can learn now.
Tip #5: Say No When You Need to. And Also Say Yes When You Want to.
Saying no to the things that no longer serve you and saying yes to the things that you have been too scared to try are both ways of preserving yourself while also continuing to grow. When you have been in survival mode, you can feel stuck, and motivating yourself to grow and shift can feel terrifying. Finding spaces where you can say no and yes are ways of setting boundaries. It’s a form of empowerment that you have as an adult now—the younger you would be proud.
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Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW | Trauma Therapist & Owner of Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, LLC
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Alice Zic is a licensed trauma therapist who offers online therapy throughout Connecticut and Virginia. She works with adults who have histories of childhood trauma and mother wounds. Alice supports clients in reparenting and healing the unmet needs of their inner child selves. She uses a relational approach rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS), joining with clients to build safety and witness and welcome all parts of them. To work with Alice, book a consult call below: