Therapist in Colchester, CT on Why Can’t I Set Boundaries?
Okay, so you have tried all the tips and lingo for setting boundaries and it’s just not working. You are starting to wonder, “is there something wrong with me?”
Before you spiral down this path, I offer you some points of curiosity:
Where do the roots of your boundary-setting challenges come from?
Do the tips you have been trying naturally match how you communicate with others?
Here’s the thing about starting to set boundaries when it’s a new practice…you get this felt sense of: what if that person gets mad at ME? That impending and anticipatory sense of dread, doom, and fear can hold you back or make you go back on whatever boundary you were holding.
On top of that, if you are someone who grew up in a collective culture, many of the boundary-setting tips are hyper-individualistic: there is a perceived focus on the “me” and a long journey back to the “we.”
Building in the skill of saying no or setting a boundary does not just involve the “how” or the “what” but the “why?” as well. What was it like to stick up for yourself, make choices, or get angry when you were a little kid? Were you allowed to do those things? Or, if you did, would somebody else get angry at YOU? Would they get really ashamed or uncomfortable and put those feelings onto you, even call you selfish?
When you create space for these roots and understand their foundation, you give a younger part of you the compassion that it needs now. You build up skills to protect your energy and begin interrupting overwhelm, exhaustion and overextension of yourself.
Remember, not all boundaries have to sound the same or feel equivalent. Sometimes avoidance is a temporary path to finding boundary-setting language that feels safe. Sometimes this path involves curiosity about another person, validating or respecting their feelings so that you can create some space for you.
Phrases in this vein can sound like:
Thank you for telling me that. I will think about it and get back to you.
I hear what you are saying, and at the same time that makes me uncomfortable. Let’s keep talking about it openly
I hear you are worried about me. I know you care. I care about you too and want to find a solution together.
You are allowed to figure out what works for you in each specific context. Observe what your younger self needed and needs now, and practice gentleness for each little step you are taking along the way.